The 'Issues'

I had a meeting (by videoconference) with an Occupational Health Dr last week and she asked me what 'the problem' was.

My god, where do I start?

She finally agreed that there was too much to cover in that meeting, but I need to have thought it through by the time we talk again tomorrow.  I've had a couple of attempts at this, which is why I've been silent, but here goes another:

Relationships (or lack of): I recognised several years ago that having not really had any meaningful relationship for several years that this was an 'issue' for me and so I sought professional help in the form of counselling.  My counsellor acknowledged even then that there was a lot going on and advised me in those famous words, that this 'may take some time'.

A lot of it related to my relationship with my dad which at that time was becoming increasingly fraught, and not helped by the fact that he lived overseas. 

Ironically though, I spend a great deal of my sessions talking about work, and at least I can now recognise why I act and react to certain situations in the way that I do.

Motherhood - clearly linked to the above, in that it's hard to have a family when you can't even successfully maintain a relationship! This 'issue' has been impacting my relationships for years (see above), as has guilt about a termination many years ago.  I can accept that I did what I had to do at the time, but I always imagined that when ( note, not 'if') I had children it would ease the guilt.  The tough bit has been coming to terms with the fact that it is now more likely that I won't be a mother than that I will - and that's it's nobody's fault but mine.  About 5 years ago, I almost got there, concluding that a truly loving relationship was more important than a child.  In searching for that I had to endure the pain of having that dream re-ignited, only to be cruelly ripped away when he vanished into thin air, being not as separated from his wife as I'd been led to believe. The past few months/weeks have helped and I think/hope I am finally feeling more settled about this.

Bereavement - my dad died 2 years ago, just as I was finally starting to learn how to assert myself in that relationship.  This highlighted just how much of an impact/presence he had on all of our lives.  I loved him, but he drove me demented.  That's probably because I am very like him in many ways, so have to work hard to ensure that I do not make the mistakes he made, usually through passionate belief, which are still scarring me.  I certainly inherited his work ethic (see below) which has alwasy made it difficult for me to conceive of having both a career and a re;ationship - I swear I don't know how people do it!  I think part of our 'issue' was that I don't think he ever saw me as grown up because he never saw me with another man.  He once asked me if I 'wanted to be alone' - I could have cried at how little he knew me in that moment, but then, having grown up at a distance I suppose it's understandable.  He was always working, and then at 11 I went to boarding school.  After that it was just holiday time, when he was still always working.

Work Life Balance - I love the work I do and believe that I am good at it, having been nominated for Awards by colleagues within my first two years.  I've always led a very active social life, but it has become increasingly difficult to reconcile the two. The demands of the role, and the location/nature of the organisation mean that I am usually away very early, often away from home overnight or having to work evenings.  I am careful to ensure that I get the 'hours' back, to be fair to myself and the organisation, but it is the fact that I often have to miss things that gave me that balance and pleasure that caused turmoil.  Getting the hours at a time that didn't match didn't really pay back what it had 'cost' me.  I often wonder how, if I had had a relationship, or a child - or cat - I could have coped as I really can barely keep myself together.  As a result, the flat is almost alwasy a mess, I struggle to keep fresh food in, and fitting regular anything, like exercise in, is a real challenge.   

Health - I did work hard to maintain a balance but early on in this job, I had to let gym membership go because I simply couldn't get there regularly enough.  I travel by public transport and often had a laptop case etc to carry, as well as trying to take salads in with me for lunch, (plus carry music or dance shoes for after work activities - it was bulky and heavy!).  The challenge of just getting up and out the door was huge meaning that I often end up skipping breakfast or grabbing a truly unhealthy bacon roll from Greggs.  It would then be another snatched sandwich or crisps etc on bus on the way home - always eating on the go.  I've managed to reduce the physical load a bit (I once weighed it all - I was carrying 3 stone with me as I was running for trains and buses!!) which was took its toll on my feet (I had real pain when my foot basically collapsed - metatarsalgia), and then on my back and shoulders - I've now got a backpack to spread the weight. 

I have always been prone to coughs, colds etc, but in the past few years it seesm to have been constant.  Whenever I get a cough it goes straight to my chest and creates a hacking cough which is painful and distrurbing to others.  The doctors just say that's 'my cough' and that there is nothing wrong.

I have now lost my voice completely on three significant occasions, twice in the past two years.

I've now been signed off with stress/anxiety since July.  I know I'm not depressed, but in researching how I am feeling I came across this explanation which was like a eureka moment:

Burnout occurs when passionate, committed people become deeply disillusioned with a job or career from which they have previously derived much of their identity and meaning. It comes as the things that inspire passion and enthusiasm are stripped away, and tedious or unpleasant things crowd in.

This tool can help you check yourself for burnout.  http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_08.htm

Needless to say, I come out pretty high in that scoring!!

Work - About a year or so ago, our organisation underwent a 'review' by external consultants who produced a frankly ridiculous report.  It claimed to have involved consultation with staff but nobody in my department was consulted, and our boss's boss was completely misquoted. 

As a hard working, commited team, that was well respected internally and that consistently delivered, producing high quality results, we felt quite safe.  So it was a huge shock when the recommendation stated that with no compulsory redundancies, our small team was to be reduced by 25% and the directorate by 20%.

We  had been told that our 'gold standard' work was too good, and that bronze was sufficient.

After great consideration, and discussion with my boss, I eventually concluded that given my dad's demise and that my mother would be moving back, that ok, redundancy might work.  I thought the writing was on the wall, as at each meeting, all my work was being held, postponed, frozen etc.  I thought I was being paranoid, and just thought ok, let's go.  It was easter 2011 that I submitted my formal request.

To date I have had no written response, but have been told that it was good news because the Exec went for Option A, which was to make one of my role redundant.  Option B was to make 2 redundant.  I was the only person to be doing my role so this was all very confusing.  On the one hand I could be pleased that clearly I was so valuable that I couldn't be allowed to go, yet on the other I'd obviously been doing two people's jobs for the past few years.

Trying to come back from that was tough, as my head was already out the door.  In the meantime, I had applied for a couple of jobs, one of which I got to the final 3 but to no avail.

So I decided that ok, let's stick with it.  I'd been given a nice challenging project, and I thought I could take this opportunity to finally put my house (literally) in order an dfinally get my kitchen done.

Home - it's been so many years that I've promised myself a new kitchen, that in September last year I finally appointed a project manager to help me.  He was a godsend and I no longer needed to spend hours trying to work out which comes first, the boiler or the design.  He was so patient with me (even when I cried!) and we finally got a plan and a budget worked out (with a bit of financial jiggery pokery and a new mortgage loan and my mum's help).

I knew it would be dusty and traumatic, so I managed to schedule the ripping out week to occur when I was due to be away for work anyway.  It was then only another couple before I'd be away on holiday for two weeks, with the plan being it would all be done when I got back.

And it was, almost.  The project manager made it all so much less stressful than it might have been, even when the flat below got leaked upon.  I was beginning to feel quite refreshed and certainly more open and trusting about letting tradesmen and people into my flat.

But just as we were nearing the end, the business with my neighbour kicked off.....

And I think that's a whole other story for a whole other post!