A New Day, a New Jigsaw

Today is the first of August 2012 and I don't really know quite where this month - or this post - may take me, but I'm going to give it a go.

I have been exploring so many ideas lately, that my head is just bursting and I need somewhere to put them down and turn them around and try and make some sense of it all.

One of the things I've been doing to try and get myself to relax more is jigsaws - and my head is a bit like that: I need to chuck all the pieces out, enjoy the slightly rough texture as I scramble them around a bit and then start looking at the bits. I start by filtering out the edges, to gradually give it some kind of parameters or framework. From there, it's more like putting like with like, in terms of general colour, shape etc. When it gets down to the trickier bits (like sky etc, and they all look the same, I sort them by shape, mentally labelling them, so say, a 'three out' is a bit that has three prongs, while a 'three in' has three indents. It can get as far as sorting them in terms of the direction of the ins and outs, i.e. are they next to each other or opposite etc. Hey, don't knock it, it works for me!

I think I've always quite enjoyed sorting and categorising things. I used to love sitting with my mother's button box and could happily spend hours sorting by colour and them mix them up and do it by size, or number of thread holes - honestly, who needs x-box or whatever it is!

I wonder if it is this need to label and categorise that has made it so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I am not likely now to be a mother, or at least a biological one. I think motherhood was always one of what might have been considered an 'edge' piece for me in how I saw the picture of my life. As far back as I can remember, I dreamt of getting married and having children, but it wasn't the sort of career aspiration that would have gone down all that well had it been stated.

 

Now, approaching 44, still single with no potential suitors far less relationships that might lead to parenthood, I have got to be realistic. I have grappled and grappled, and gone back and forth, but I am really now feeling the need to draw a line and move on. Easier said than done, but finally in this last week, I have found a couple of blogs that feel that they 'fit', and read some books, found some articles etc and I am feeling a little closer to a point where I can say, ok, stop looking back or looking forward with a sense of loss, and start really looking forward, in all ways. That's scary, but I want to get over the scary bits and focus on the exciting ones. Ok, so my finished jigsaw picture isn't going to match the one on the box, but it won't be any less of a picture.  I suppose I'm going to have to just try and start in the middle and work my way outwards, as if there are no edges, and no fixed picture.

Yikes.

I think I need a mug of tea.