Jumbled

I'm feeling all jumbled again today. 

I'm going to go and visit friends by the sea which will be good, but it always brings all sorts of challenges for me, making it bittersweet.  Not least do they have all have children, fast growing up, but that was where I took refuge 2 years ago when I heard that my dad had died suddenly overseas.  It was a welcome distraction to be around these friends, especially many of whom I have known since school or university, so there is a certain comfort in their familiarity, but their lives and experiences are just so alien to mine now it does make it challenging and a stark reminder of the family I don't have. 

It's a bit like stepping into a Boden Catalogue, with their bright colours all being worn with such easy elegance. They are all very kind and generous in including me in things, but I feel like such a fish out of water because I don't really have the required membership credentials.  At one barbecue I recall one guy asking me what school my kids went to and I was so taken aback at the presumption, having to stammer that I don't have any, after which his full glass suddenly needed refilling....  At another party it was more blunt: we were all standing in a circle and the man to my left asked something like 'How many do you have/ Which is your husband?', and I said 'None, I'm not married', at which he literally turned his back in horror and started speaking to the person to his left leaving me speechless.  I was so stunned I headed for the dining room to busy myself with filling a plate - there were just a couple of other women in the room at that moment, and as I piled up I did a mental tally that between the 4 of them they had a dozen children - I couldn't handle it and with relief found the host's parents and elderly neighbours and spent the remainder of the evening chatting to them.  Well, it was safer than risking the suspcicious looks if I was caught talking to someone's husband.

You may ask, why do I put myself through it? Indeed I ask myself that sometimes too, but then, I stop and remember the great memories I have of playing on the beach with the kids and an entire day spent being a 'monster' with about 5 little girls all clambering over me and shrieking to be tickled or chased, and it's hard to be sad when you have that.  So, I'll make my annual trip and take some wee gifts and if I can play 'auntie' for a while and give their parents even an hour or two off, before we get to have a catch up glass of wine once they are all in bed, then I think that's a fair deal.