Remote in the Middle

It has been the most glorious sunshine the last few days, yet I've struggled to truly enjoy it, and I'm so annoyed at myself. 

My shoulders were really sore again yesterday so I booked a massage and went for that, (never long enough) before grabbing a salad meal deal from Boots and heading for some free fringe music and the sun.  It was lovely and I dozed, read my book, did what many people in the nearby offices were probably only dreaming they could - so why didn't it feel good?  Why did I feel so isolated and remote as I watched the families and groups all over the place?  If I'm indoors I'm thinking I should be outdoors making the most of it, but when I'm outdoors I'm feeling guilty and thinking I should be in getting on with trying to get my head straight, either that or at a show, but don't even get me started on how the heck you choose!

I looked up yoga classes the other day, because I thought that might help me learn to relax, but they had no prices and you have to give your number and wait for them to call you for an introductory class.  That was Wednesday (shortly before I went swimming, also to try and relax) and they've only just called now - after the opportunity of the last few days has passed.  I've booked for Monday, but she said you really need to do at least 2 a week - not a hope and the whole conversation has just stressed me out again!  It's ridiculous - I have to learn how to control this - I can't live like this.  I seem to be getting worse not better.

Occupational Health from my work also called today - 5 weeks after I first went off - and said could I meet the Dr on Tuesday morning.  I said no, as I'm seeing my GP then.  Well, the next appointment is next Tuesday!  AAAArrgh!  I get the impression my boss wants me to meet them before I go back, based on a conversation I had with him last week when I suggested trying a phased return.

But then I also feel guilty that my head still feels a mess, and that I still haven't done lots of the things that I would have liked to have done and really should have done given the luxury of all this time off.    I think the sooner I can get back on some basis and then plan my ultimate escape the better. 

May add more later but for now just had to get that out.